forgiveness

I learned a long time ago that forgiveness was not about giving the offender the upper hand but more about setting me free from the bondage of holding onto emotional toxin. Toxins that build like yeast that has been activated by water. I am a Scorpio. I threw that in there because it has been said since I could understand that “don't nobody hold a grudge like a scorpion”. Well I say - no one loves as hard and puts their all out there for others that they love like a Scorpion - so we should get to grudge. Hmmmph! (insert counter productivity here - sorry) – Darnit, I said we are working together on this thing!

Well, that's how I used to think actually. I know better today. I know that forgiving someone does not mean that I “have to” restore them physically back in the presence of me. I simply forgive them for committing the ought against me and restore them fully mentally/emotionally as if the ought never happened. However, that only comes after a full assessment of all factors and fully taking accountability in my part. Followed by forgiving myself for my part in the offense. Let's deal with that - My part of the offense.

Firstly, lets start with why am I offended and moreover how did I get there? Did I “allow” the person too much access/credibility/governance/trust/"Love" over me that they did not deserve? For instance - I have been betrayed as we all feel we have. In that betrayal I saw signs for years in each instance. I had to recognize that I was doing waaaaaay more than what was being done for me - emotionally/physically/financially/spiritually and then some. I had been seeing the signs over and over in being honest. Hell at one point there was literally a red hue around a few of them “fuq” a red flag. Buuuut I "Loved" so hard that I convinced myself that things happen, true friendship and love goes through tests/trials/tribulations and all that nonsense. But why was I fighting so hard for survival and so forgiving? Why was I the only one that had the damn map to the “High Road” in my backpack? Why, because I had a genuine emotional investment that was appreciating over time. I was allowing their value to grew in me, but my value only grew with circumstance, and benefit. And well to some - once you are no longer a benefit, guess what - you're no longer an option. On to the next. So who's fault was that? Mine because I allowed myself to be an “option” while I made them - priorities.

I am not saying that I am an angel by no means. I surely have “ish” with me. I know for certain - I am a whole piece of work to deal with, but I am LOYAL. You don’t get betrayed from me – you get left behind. Not a grudge - just left and forgiven. Understand that none of the above circumstances was it any ones fault but my own because I allowed everyone that had offended me to be in a place where they had full opportunity to commit the offense. Yes, trust was there and I thought everything that I was providing was mutual. But after the assessments, I was putting myself and them in a place that we didn’t belong. Full blame can not be placed for something I allowed. Like, you can't blame a robber for robbing your house if you gave them a key. IJS.

Moral of this – Forgive, Heal, Move On. Do it for – YOU!